When Words Fail

Upon returning from the Philippines, I wrote about how much of an adjustment it was to be back in the States and how my heart felt like it was in two different places (maybe even three as I was also preparing to leave for the DR). Still, I don't think I fully put into words what I felt through that adjustment because there weren't any words. There still aren't.

It is an adjustment to move back to your home country, your passport country, and know that you cannot pick up where you left off because so much time has passed. Yes, you have been in contact with your friends, so you have an idea of what is going on in their lives, but once again, you have changed (and maybe they have too.) You're different. You have been marked. You sometimes find yourself looking around a room, asking yourself if there is someone that you can relate to, someone who gets you and what you're going through.

It is an adjustment to know that you really don't have a place to settle down, to call your own, unpack, or even decorate. You long to curl up on the couch on a Saturday morning with a cup of coffee, where you are no longer living out of your suitcase, or have a kitchen where you can bake your little heart out. Sometimes, you are blessed and even overwhelmed at the offers that people give you places to stay, but it is still an adjustment.

It is an adjustment to walk into Target or even a mall and take in everything that surrounds you. No, you haven't spent all this time living out in the bush, but it's still different. You find that you no longer have to "scan" items to find the correct price because everything is labeled correctly and in its place, but out of habit, you do it anyway. You know that you also need some new clothes (because the delicate cycle on the washer that you used for months on end wasn't so gentle), but don't know where to start because

1. you feel slightly guilty for buying new stuff,

2. you're on a budget, and

3. you also feel somewhat overwhelmed at the thought of stepping foot into a store.

It's an adjustment, and you slightly chuckle to yourself when you realize you don't need to second-guess the use of the crosswalk--that someone is actually going to stop for you. You also realize that you can smile at someone walking by, and they, in turn, will acknowledge you and either greet you with a "hello" or just a simple smile. It's a breath of fresh air, and you almost breathe a sigh of relief when you realize that men are not harassing you daily. Finally, you smile that you can order a coffee, and you won't have to add sugar to it to mask the bitter taste. (That is what one would call a positive adjustment.)

There are days where the tears will start to fall softly from your face or other days where you will have a good, long, body-shaking cry. You could be sitting in a coffee shop, and the tears will start to form in the corner of your eyes. You realize that you are trying to process something that happened months ago, and you finally let your mind "go there," but it is hard to sit still and take it all in.

Are you excited to be back in your home state? Yes! Do you feel anxious and slightly overwhelmed? A little. Are you looking forward to spending time with your family and friends? Absolutely!! Your heart has longed for days to hang out with family, to chat over a good cup of coffee with a friend, but all of it is still an adjustment. There are no words to describe how you truly feel. You have stories to tell and things to share, but they aren't always lighthearted, so you wait for the right moment. Once the words come, you're like a babbling brook. But, sometimes they don't come. And when words have failed, you take comfort and refuge in your Abba Father because He is the one who "sustains you," and you know that "he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

* There indeed are no words to describe how thankful I am for my family and friends, my supporters, and prayer partners. Thank you for surrounding me with your love and unwavering support. I am blessed to be a part of such a community. Thank you.